UPDATED: 9:04 a.m. EST February 18, 2003
Dear Double Take,
My husband has a close-knit group of friends at work -- guys and girls.
About a month ago, I found my husband's e-mail open and came across an e-mail from a lady co-worker. She said how she had missed him. (He recently quit working with her because his contract was up.)
She also proceeded to tell him about the joke-of-a-rumor that had hit the office: He had left because he found out she was having an affair with another married co-worker, and he was upset.
I asked my husband if this type of talk went on and he said it was harmless. However, I have found several other e-mails recently, such as: "I got a new bed -- want to come over and try it out?" His response: "Does it vibrate?"
I can almost believe him that nothing sexual has happened, but I feel so hurt that he has this other lady to get excited about. Am I wrong? What if nothing happened? How should I go from here?
I asked him to not talk to her again and he seemed angry that I would make him lose a friendship. Aren't I worth it? We are married and have two kids!
EDDIE SAYS:
Let's get something straight. You didn't "come across" that e-mail. You saw an opporunity and decided to do some snooping. Whether that was justified can be something you decide, but don't act like it was an accident.
From what you -- an admitted snooper -- say, it doesn't sound like there is anything going on between your husband and this woman. That's most likely just playful, generic flirting. Admittedly, this is coming from someone who assumes that most people don't cheat, but it doesn't sound like he is.
At least, innocuous lines like "Does it vibrate?" wouldn't be evidence, and it might not mean he's getting around, that's just how they joke around.
It's clear, however, that you and your husband have different ideas about what is acceptable "playful" talk. But there are better ways to bring that up to him than telling him who he is allowed to be friends with. You could discuss your preference that he not talk like that, and explain that it makes you feel disrespected.
But don't assume that he'll agree with you that it's a big deal, and don't assume that means he's cheating or will cheat.
ALANA SAYS:
E-mail is one of the strangest forms of communication. It's usually very casual, but it doesn't include any of the undertones of a face-to-face conversation. Hence, I've found that jokes sent through e-mail are only fully appreciated by the receiver. Unless the reader knows the person who wrote the original e-mail and can imagine the vocal tone and body language, it can come across completely differently than was intended.
So, to sum it up, don't jump to conclusions here. Don't pretend you know their friendship well enough to judge it. Certainly you can express your concern, but forbidding your husband to talk to his friend is more than just overreacting -- it's portraying a lack of trust.
I think you do trust your husband, and it just upsets you that he's having what you might interpret as an "intimate" conversation with someone else. But the examples you used hardly seemed worth all of your jealousy.
Just remember what a good husband and father he is, and let him have his friends. Perhaps if you're more supportive of his friendships, you'll get to know his work buddies (male and female) and that alone will ease your mind.
Dear Double Take,
Last week, my high school sweetheart from eight years ago came back into my life. He hunted me down over the Internet to get my brother's number who, in turn, gave him my number. He called me and we spoke on the phone for a couple of hours. He proceeded to tell me that breaking up with me was the worst mistake he ever made, that he has thought about me every day for the last eight years, and he is still in love with me. He offered to drive four hours that weekend to come see me.
So I said yes.
Things went great. He was a complete gentleman and brought me a rose and said all of the romantic things every girl, and every ex-girlfriend, wants to hear. By the time he left, it was like we had never been apart.
The bad news is that he now comes complete with a full set of baggage -- one ex-wife and two little girls (with two different mothers). I find all of this very hard to accept since I am 26 and single with no kids and have never been married. I have many feelings for him I wish to explore, but many reservations about the future. He has made it very clear he would do anything for us to be together, even move, and that he wants to be the husband and father to my future children.
Am I crazy to try this again?
ALANA SAYS:
So after this guy fathers two children and gets a divorce, he comes crawling back to you? It sounds pretty sketchy to me.
Where has he been for the last eight years? If he got married and had kids, I have a hard time believing he was thinking about you every day. And even if he were, eight years is a long time. What kept him from contacting you earlier?
If someone I hadn't seen for eight years came back into my life, it would be more than just a little weird. I can't even try to articulate how much I've changed in that amount of time. Think about it -- you were 18 when you were last with him. Is everything really still the same? And he's in the same boat -- yet he's volunteering to move to be closer to you?
Don't jump into this too fast. I'm not saying this can't work -- knowing his background is a big plus for you. At least you're not diving into this blindly. But you didn't tell us why things fell apart in the first place, and my hunch is that there was a legitimate reason why it did.
If you want to try this relationship, then try it. But take it slowly and take note of how he deals with his ex and his kids -- because that's probably a good clue as to how he would be with you in the future.
EDDIE SAYS:
We don't know how he'll be in the future, but we know how he is right now -- desperate. His romantic life doesn't seem to have been so smooth (divorce and fathering a kid out of marriage -- well, I'm guessing that
he was married when the other kid was born).
So he was sitting at the computer one night, writing out child support checks and thinking, "Man, it was so much easier in high school ... HEY! Whatever happened to that girl I went out with in high school?"
And you, lonely in your own way, were receptive to an old friend. Now, you're dangerously close to confusing the fun and nostalgia of a blast from the past who knows how to act charming for 10 minutes with Real Love, Which Can't Be Denied By The Passage Of Time.
I guess it is a pretty big compliment when a guy who has failed relationships with two women with whom he has children -- in just eight years! -- says that you're his biggest mistake, not one of those situations.
But that's because he's just telling you what you want to hear, because you're both desperate for something. If that's what you want to build your relationship on, then stay with him. If you want something more permanent, then wait for it to come along.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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