Well, it appears our relentless coverage of the Evil Squirrels and their minions has forced their furry, thieving little hands. Courtesy of a crack field researcher in Sugarland, Texas, we have exclusive photos of the damage left behind by a commando team of three squirrels sent to wreak havoc in a quiet commercial center.

First, the suspects:

Bruce McFuzzle will likely be very familiar to the TV viewers in our readership from his appearance in the oft-repeated "Evil Squirrel" ad for the GEICO insurance company, in which he stands brazenly in the middle of a road, causing a well-meaning and kindhearted driver to swerve off the pavement to his doom.

McFuzzle is captured here by Alert Reader Fontaine Clendaniel, of Houston, as he springs from the curb back into the street, bent on causing even more automotive mayhem with his antics. I am pleased to report that, by dint of a well-tossed gold piece (with oil at $45 a barrel, the streets in Houston are littered with them), Fontaine was able to startle McFuzzle into a tree, thus saving from doom a motorcade of oil company executives on their way to close a deal to buy Peru.

Hmm. Perhaps he's not so evil after all ... But that is not for me to judge. I simply report!

Immediately after snapping Bruce McFuzzle, Fontaine snapped a picture of McFuzzle's seldom-seen accomplice, the stealthy Mutt to his flamboyant Jeff, Mickey "Picker" Junkmouth. Mickey, by all reports, has never in his lifetime eaten a nut or seed. He exists solely on fast-food and taqueria leftovers he retrieves from municipal trash cans and unattended vehicles.

The exact relationship between Junkmouth and McFuzzle is a bit unclear, as Mickey never seems to perform any actual work. His sole function seems to be to root McFuzzle on and provide high-fives post-carnage.

And, finally, we have this, the only known photo of the Evil Squirrel mastermind known only as "Norman." He's seen here peering down at fearless Alert Reader Cherry Makohon, who risked her life (or at least a finger or two) to snap this picture of Norman as he peered evilly through her skylight from an upper floor. Immediately after sending me this picture, Cherry vanished from the Internet. The only conclusion I can draw is that Norman, in a rage, must have chewed through her telephone lines and rendered her incommunicado.

Little is known about Norman's life. He's spoken of only in whispers in Evil Squirrel circles, and his specter is used as a "boogeyman" to frighten young squirrels into going to bed, doing their homework, etc. Through the tireless work of our field investigator, we've determined that Norman took control of Mickey and Bruce, directing them in what has come to be called The Sugarland Incident.

It was a fine summer afternoon, a Saturday, in Sugar Land, Texas. The setting was a strip center, much like those found in any suburban area around the country.

Outside a dry cleaner's a Mercedes sat idling, its owner having gone into the shop to retrieve an order.

Suddenly, the car roared into gear, vaulting the curb and angling into the front of a UPS Store which, poetically enough, was at the time closed for renovations. It slammed into the storefront, a ton-plus of hurtling German steel, doing massive damage both to the building and the vehicle.

Besides capturing the damage done by the runaway Mercedes, our anonymous field researcher interviewed witnesses who reported the strangest thing: after the crash, three squirrels were seen to scramble from the car's open window and run pell-mell into the trees at the edge of the parking lot. From their descriptions, and from the fact that one of the fleeing tree rats was seen later plunging into a Taco Bell trash bin with squeals of delight, our investigators have determined that the trio were none other than Norman, Mickey and Bruce.

Clearly, the Evil Squirrels have begun an active campaign of vandalism and mayhem. Our first line of defense is you, Alert Readers, and your reports of their activities. By building a global database of Fuzzy Menace activity, we hope to discern some pattern to the attacks and take appropriate countermeasures as warranted. Be vigilant! And continue sending in your stories and pictures.

Columns By J. Scott Wilson Diary Of A Fat Man Ask The Cook Short Orders The Weird Chronicles

Got Bigfoot in the basement? Aliens leaving crop circles in your petunias? Spectral voices telling you to dance the hula? Tell me all about it. Large cash grants and professions of undying love are also welcome.

Previous Stories:

• Aug. 20, 2004: Fuzzy Menace III: The New Breed
• Aug. 13, 2004: Fuzzy Menace II: Rogue's Gallery
• Aug. 6, 2004: The Fuzzy Menace
• July 30, 2004: The Idiot Bell
• July 23, 2004: Planes, Trains And Doughmobiles
• July 16, 2004: Get On The Bus
• June 25, 2004: The Weird Road Trip
• June 18, 2004: That's The Biz, Sweetheart
• June 11, 2004: Shall We Dance?
• June 4, 2004: Sympathy For The Twister