Once again, the fearless members of the Alert Reader Brigade have come through like champs, sending in surveillance photos of Evil Squirrels in action from all over the country! The biggest news out of this edition of the Fuzzy Menace is shown in this picture, sent in at great risk to life and limb by fearless photogs Rob and Betty Hanson. As evidenced by the unnamed tree rat lolling indolently in the doorway of his ill-gotten digs, the fledgling alliance between the Evil Squirrels and the Purple Martin Hegemony has broken down completely. In this case, a squirrel infiltrator has chewed his way into a birdhouse and so befouled the interior that no self-respecting bird would ever again consider it a suitable habitat. Trees and telephone poles everywhere have been the scenes of pitched battles between beak and claw, between talon and tooth as squadrons of birds have fought to retain their nesting spots in the face of squirrel infiltration. This turmoil is a natural outgrowth of bird resentment at the favorite squirrel pastime of raiding birdfeeders and devouring seed by the cheekful.

Further pictures from the war come from the tourist haven of Branson, Mo., where alert reader Elly Hunt snapped this picture of a squirrel fugitive known only as the "Gray Panther." As you can see, he's following the plan of total attack, going after the bird food supply while his larger brothers attack their nesting spots. The Gray Panther is easily identifiable by his distinctive bullet-shaped head, which he uses to get into cracks and crevices in feeder lids to lever them open.

Rumor has it the Panther has even had his claws plated with titanium, to make them sturdier and more capable of prying apart food slots and pillaging feeder contents. Is that a metallic glint I see?

Of course, the Evil Squirrel aggression is hardly confined to our feathered brothers. Here, one of the field researchers for our affiliate resistance cell at www.scarysquirrel.org caught Charley "Fingers" Shellcracker in the midst of his patented sliding window infiltration technique. Our researcher watched from cover while Fingers entered the house, tied all the electrical cords in knots, wove all the computer cables like macrame, shredded the pull-strings on the ceiling fans and dug furrows in the couch cushions.

Shellcracker is one of the most dangerous of the New Breed, showing little if any fear of humans or of entering their habitations through any unlocked portal. He's been seen prizing open doggy doors, climbing through dryer vents and even shimmying down chimneys like some furry, vandalism-bent Santa's elf.

Some households have employed cats to keep the squirrels at bay, on the theory that two equally treacherous animals will cancel one another out. Cats, who consider causing humans to harm themselves via falls and other mishaps to be a form of high entertainment, resent squirrels encroaching on their territory and will respond with aggression worthy of "A Clockwork Orange" if given a clear shot.

Here we see Maury and Murray Buzzcut, an aspiring young pair of furry felons, fouling a tub of cat litter while the cat, just off-camera, sits with teeth bared behind a sliding-glass door. While the squirrels may not be able to hold up in fair combat, they have their ways of retaliating. Thanks to Alert Reader Dee for this shot!

Finally, and most terrifyingly, we have this somewhat fuzzy picture taken by Michelle Wheeler of the "Buddha Squirrel," who is known to frequent a San Diego park.

The Buddha Squirrel is a figure of squirrel mythology, a rodent of great and terrible power whose appearance signals that the final uprising of squirrelkind is about to begin. When the Buddha Squirrel is sighted, squirrels everywhere begin to file their teeth and sharpen their claws in preparation for war.

In case you doubt that this squirrel is something special, I quote this chilling detail from Ms. Wheeler's missive: "The other squirrels seem to like him so much that they bring HIM food and he never has to move an inch!"

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Now, you know that squirrels are the greediest, grabbiest, hungriest creatures in creation. Can you imagine ANY squirrel EVER giving up so much as a mouthful voluntarily? For a tree rat to feed another tree rat, especially one as corpulent and incapable of speedy pursuit as this one, the recipient must truly be a Squirrel of Great Power, as foretold in the Rodent Scrolls recently discovered in a cave in the Andes. The Scrolls warn that the Buddha Squirrel is just the first harbinger of danger, to be followed by many more.

Next week: photos of some of the other Squirrels of Great Power, and exclusive photos of their attempt to seize control of a vehicle!

Got Bigfoot in the petunias? Crop circles in the cornfield? Drop me a line anytime! As ever, large cash grants and pledges of undying love are gratefully accepted.

Previous Stories:

• Aug. 13, 2004: The Fuzzy Menace II: Rogue's Gallery
• Aug. 6, 2004: The Fuzzy Menace
• July 30, 2004: The Idiot Bell
• July 23, 2004: Planes, Trains And Doughmobiles
• July 16, 2004: Get On The Bus
• June 25, 2004: The Weird Road Trip
• June 18, 2004: That's The Biz, Sweetheart
• June 11, 2004: Shall We Dance?
• June 4, 2004: Sympathy For The Twister
• May 21, 2004: America Celebrates